Conversation surrounding sexual identity has become increasingly central as we navigate and increase visibility among those within the LGBTQIA spectrum. There is very little discussion and education on asexuality as a sexual orientation. Through my own exploration and research regarding this spectrum of sexual identity, I have become more familiar with my own space within the asexual spectrum. My intention is to unpack the experiences and journey of self-discovery. This is because, most of our perceptions of our sexual selves are results of programming and mostly, specifically within Black family structures religious and moral repression. Most of us as adults are led to question who we are and what we want sexually.
What exactly is Asexuality?
Asexuality is defined as a person being void-to some degree (this is where the spectrum comes in) of sexual and/or romantic attraction or interest. This is intersectional with all sexual identities.
Celibacy vs Asexuality
I think it is natural for many people to think “Okay, what makes this a sexual orientation? Everyone has different degrees at which they enjoy sexual experiences.” Due to the confusion between celibacy and asexuality, many fail to recognize asexuality as sexual orientation. The difference is that celibacy is a choice to abstain from sex. Asexual orientation has many other variables, including personal politics, biology, and social environments. It is more about an approach to romanticism and the ideals that one holds around the value of sex than a choice. Furthermore, due to the hyper-sexuality of Black women, the conversation around this ideology is even less considered. We are expected to uphold the sexual preferences of others, usually male dominated, in order to be valuable.
Asexual Identities
As you can see sexual orientation and romantic orientation are different levels of attraction that we can have to someone. This is where I personally was able to go deeper into my own expectations and values around sex. I fall within the demiromantic and demisexual identities.
There has always been an on-going mission of White Supremacist and Patriarchal systems to deny Black Women agency of their bodies and sexual identities. There seems to be such an extreme polarity vacillating from hyper-sexuality to religious-restricted virginal expectations. I believe it is important for one to find their own personal balance within this. For myself, doing the shadow work around my own sexuality I found that even beyond “romantic” attraction there was a spiritual and emotional component that was always vital to me. It is a deeper sense of a person outside of superficial and surface traits. Even with the surge of spirituality focused around mindfulness being more accepted, I still see much less of an emphasis around slowing down and feeling, observing the real energy of a person beyond physical and carnal pursuits. I have always been a person of depth. I am at a point in my journey where connections and energy exchange are much more valuable to me. This has its struggles. For a person to NEED this level of depth, and connection before truly experiencing sexual/romantic attraction, at times makes the idea of dating simply overwhelming. I mean, think about it. If you want this level of closeness, vulnerability is required. Of course, this is the case in any relationship. However, speaking from the demisexual standpoint this has been daunting. The older I get the more I lean into resonance with this.
Joy in Platonic Connections
I want to express emphasis on how much joy and how many of our needs can be met OUTSIDE of sexual and/or romantic desires. For the last few years my friends have been a major and life changing support in my growth and in my ability to love. I wrote in a journal about 5 years ago that I wanted maintain connections with women who hold similar spiritual values, this manifested itself into deep loving, reliable, aligned friendships. Do not forget to nourish your friendships in the same exact way that you nourish romantic relationships. These experiences teach us to be present with those we love, to hold space and to focus on the love we give ourselves. Having these strong relationships help to provide a high sense of self without romanticism or sex in my life. Regardless of sexual or romantic orientation this is crucial to quality of life. Our value in the eyes of others, being attractive enough or being valuable enough to enter into a relationship with can not be how we define ourselves.
Sexual Exploration
It’s important to remember that you are allowed to question the ideals, values and perceptions that you have been given about sex. You can question why you do certain things, what your attraction is to certain groups of people and you can question how you want to pursue sex. Many people operate their lives on auto-pilot never questioning where their beliefs stem from. I challenge you do something different. Do the shadow work to find who you are authentically. This can be done alone, or with other people. Whatever makes you feel safe in exploring your sexuality, I encourage you to do that. Here are a few suggestions:
Meditate: Sit with yourself with the intention on deep connection to your sacral chakra.
Journal sexual experiences. How did you feel? Were you fulfilled? Were you comfortable?
Discuss any traumatic sexual experiences with a trauma-informed therapist to talk through difficult emotions and thoughts.
Be honest with yourself and others about what your boundaries are around sexual identity.
A loving reminder: you do not have to label yourself if you do not find it necessary! I think sometimes we receive information and think that we automatically have to take action or identify wholly with it, which is not the case. I want Black Women to understand more than anything that YOU define who you are sexually. Who you choose to show up in the world as is enough, without explanation. Always know that you are free to dive deep.
By: C. Marie
IG: theekikiexperience
